Pages

Monday, July 28, 2014

O One liners Cheese alert!

There are dozens of toe cringing ironic one liners here we go!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Jobs















Get a job! Well most of can't and lets face it even if we can we don't want to. There is probably a world of work out there just waiting for us jobless folk. But lets just weigh up the pros and cons a moment.

Having purpose in life, Vs a life of sitting around in jogging pants on the sofa.
Working for a boss you hate, Vs hanging out with other jobless friends (on the sofa).
Working towards paying off that mortgage, Vs getting free housing (throw in a free sofa).
Playing the promotion game Vs playing your Xbox. (on the sofa).
Being sexually harassed in the work place Vs sexually harassing yourself (on the sofa).

There are worst things than working yourself to an early grave though. And for those of you that can come up with some you obviously need to get yourself a pair of jogging pants an x.box, some baby oil and the latest in lazy boy furniture.




Sunday, March 18, 2012

I illness


















When illness rears its ugly head it doesn't discriminate or care who it affects it just wants to cause you as much damage and inconvenience as possible. 

The job interview has arrived and so has a bout of flu or the first date with the hottest girl on the planet accompanied with a splattering of uncontrollable diarrhea.

Most things that we take pleasure in will in the end make us ill. A bad ticker, probably too much fatty food, liver problems lay off the booze. So basically anything that is worth enjoying is in the end going to make us sick and yet we continue to do it to ourselves.

One last roll call for the world’s most useless organ, the appendix. Sitting there in wait doing nothing productive whatsoever this slippery little sucker also wants to get itself infected so it can kill you. 



Thursday, January 19, 2012

H honesty






The honesty card allows us to say what the hell we like and feel totally justified about it all. It’s a free pass to say what you have been secretly thinking all along. Whether it’s about your friend’s obnoxious girlfriend or the dodgy new hairdo they are sporting.

Honesty is also a double edged sword, especially if you’re on the end of some gut wrenching honest news. Whenever a friend asks us for our honest opinion on something just watch the intent look on their faces as we take pause and deal the crushing blow "Well ,to be honest."

And never forget if the topic at hand is extra sensitive in nature you can also throw in the fail safe guilt free line of “This is for your own good.” 








Tuesday, January 3, 2012


G gangster rap













Rap artists are just trying to keep it positive kids” It’s tough out there on the streets.” And nothing screams out compassion more than the sound of your Uzi smoking someone or maybe even slapping your woman around whilst dressed like a pimp.

Millions of impressionable teenagers are filled with angst, as they are bombarded with tales of abject ghetto poverty from their idols. Most of who are wearing gold chains so big they could tow their entire fleet of Bentleys with them.

So would be rappers keep it real and remember that using the line "I'm back," is obligatory even if you've never been there. 


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

F fashion












Yes, ironic fashion is very much in vogue. We are not talking about the odd witty slogan on a t-shirt, or even somebody wearing the latest space age attire from the catwalks. There is a much deeper, darker conspiracy at hand and the whole movement has been started by none other than a bunch of nerds.

Often found lurking around the nearest charity shops snapping up oversized rimmed glasses they are at the forefront of the latest in hipster chic. Girls now drool over them and people comment on their cutting edge style using words like vintage and retro.

So now the guy who used to be on the receiving end of a wedgy is also a fashion icon and he didn’t even try.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

E education










For the most part we potter through school flunking class, playing truant and making the support teachers’ life hell. And then it arrives, Career’s Day! So we study our socks off, go through college and get into huge amounts of debt to prepare ourselves for the vicious arena that is the work place. 
 Loaded up with all kinds of qualifications, how do we put it all to good use? We go and take a job which has absolutely no relevance to what we have studied. 
 The careers adviser got it all wrong. “Hey you could be a chemistry major working in a bar or maybe even a Spanish language grad doing the night shift at a Mc Donald’s drive through.”

Never mind, adult education is on the rise so you can always go back and do it all again.



Tuesday, December 13, 2011

D dentists








The very word strikes fear into all but the most hardened individual and for good reason.

Dentists tell us not to pick our teeth so why is the first thing they put in your mouth an iron hook?

Little Jack goes to the dental clinic with a decaying set of fangs. Mom and dad get lectured on how they should be taking more care of their child’s teeth. On leaving the dentist gives the brave little mite a lollipop.

Dentists supposedly have one of the highest suicide rates amongst any profession. This should instill you with confidence the next time their steady hands are jacking you up with a six inch needle filled with Novocain

Take some comfort though, there’s always a bright side to everything in life.
“Now open up wide and you might feel a little prick.”

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

C  celebrating Christmas














Christmas is a time to give thanks for the eternal sacrifices that Jesus made for us. And to not let the true meaning of it all be forgotten the faithful masses celebrate this holiest of occasions in their own special way. 


1. Wake up and exchange gifts.
2. Put on Ill fitting sweater received as a gift from estranged relative.
3. Head to the pub/bar and cram in as much alcohol as humanly possible in the space of two hours before lunch.
4. Gorge ourselves on turkey and other exquisite foods until we are set to burst.
5. Fall asleep in front of the T.V whilst watching James Bond movies.
6. Wake up and continue drinking until our bodies can't take it any more.


After all it would be sacrilegious not to.



Tuesday, December 6, 2011

B banks












Wow! Where to begin with this one?
I'd like to say, “Banks, financial safe houses that will treat you fairly if you are in dire straits and in need of monetary support.” Sorry, let me rephrase that.
“Banks, the places that were backed by the government to lend everyone money and then refused to bail out the people they'd lent it to once everything had gone belly up.” Then to top it off the very same government entities that started the whole ball rolling are now suing the banks for risky behavior.
Mmmmmmmmmm! Delicious.



A aging
















It's that time of year when the birthday cards start arriving. Another year passes and we go ahead and celebrate the whole affair. 

 Sure when we are in our late teens or a twenty something it's all tequila, freedom and random partners. But as we start journeying further down life's road  a little voice starts reminding us that we are heading full speed ahead to a time of hazy memories.

As we toast to one more year going by our minds begin drifting back to when we could actually chew on our birthday cake, without having to reach for the denture cream.